Miracle Healing Ministry ®

Greetings and good morning from the beautiful Bitterroot Valley! 

            My elementary home-schooled granddaughter had to write a report this week about gas and oil.  She had to use them each in sentences, describing their use.  She wrote, “Oil can be used to make ass fault.”  I explained the correct spelling – a s p h a l t – and she responded, “I like the way I spelled it better.”  So did I!  She sounded it out.  In this column today, I’ll “sound it out” as well . . .

            Three years ago, I was babysitting my toddler grandson.  He was sitting at the little-kid’s folding table and building a tower with blocks.  It tipped over and he clearly said, “Dammit!”    In his tiny toddler voice, I questioned if he had really said what I thought he had.  Concluding that he had said a “bad” word, I corrected him.  “Baby Karst, we don’t say that word, sweetheart.  It’s not a nice word.”  He continued playing and rebuilding the tower.  It fell a second time, spilling over the sides of the table onto the floor.  In frustration, he repeated, “Dammit!!”  I corrected him a second time, assuring him that he shouldn’t say that word and gave him some other considerations when we get frustrated or angry.

            With all the blocks now back onto the table, he re-built his little tower creation.  Getting imbalanced and top-heavy, it fell now for the third time.  His words followed with a tone of a toddler’s voice becoming a manly toddler voice as he barked, “Son of a bitch!”  I’m sorry, but I laughed out loud!

            Prior to my grandson getting this vocabulary established, my son’s kitchen flooded from the dishwasher.  The flooring in that room went all the way through his house, with no ability to match the pattern any longer.  I am sure – no doubts – that Karst heard daddy say a few choice words in the restoration process.

            Back in the beginning of my writing career, I had been told by the publishing industry that no “bad words” can be used in an inspirational book.”  It wouldn’t be allowed to sit on an inspirational book shelf in a store if it had any obscene language in it.  In “Go Within or Go Without,” I had written “The Glory can go to God and the criticism can go to hell.”  I truly wasn’t sure if the word “hell” would kick me off the shelf of inspiration, but there it was.

            Along life’s path, God took me out of the innocent lane and had me traveling down a long dark road.  He put dark subjects in front of me, which I now call “turds” and He guides me to polish them as best I can and transform them into inspirational books, speeches, or columns.  It truly isn’t something I enjoy doing.  Taking subjects of rape, abuse, incest, child/human trafficking, and making them palatable to the public wouldn’t be on my top ten list of favorites to write about – and yet, here I am needing to do it.

            And, today’s “bad” word is narcissist.  I have a Ph.D. in religious studies, but I feel like I just received my doctorate in education of this word/situation in a crash course.  Man, this hasn’t been fun!  But then, God ALWAYS takes a negative experience and transforms it into His Good to educate His kids.  He never fails to bring us through these dark unmarked detours to get us back on the right road when we LISTEN to inner and outer guidance with warning signs.

            The first time I ever heard the word “narcissist,” I was on a dinner date with my husband Kirk many years ago.  The radio was on and the talk show hostess was interviewing a guidance counselor who had written a book on the subject.  I only heard one line that stuck.  “A narcissist always has to be right.”  I looked over at Kirk and said in a question tone, “You’re a narcissist?”  He said, “No.”  I responded, “But, you ALWAYS have to be right and the lady just said……”

            Clearly, in the vehicle, I projected the term back onto Kirk.  “You always have to be right, so that makes you a narcissist.”  By now, he was more-than-insulted and said, “Hon, don’t say that word, it isn’t a nice word.”  For days following this radio interview, I silently thought and spelled the word narcissistic that I had just heard.  It had kind of a funny ring to it and almost as many s’s as in Mississippi.  My new-found fad of the word faded quickly and all these years passed and a few years ago, it started slipping into mainstream conversations.  The word was identifying someone who stole the spotlight and had to be in it, always referring to how great they were.  A verbalizing energy vampire who had “Hoover Vacuum” tendencies of sucking your energy dry with being around them.

            Along with the recent crash course, I have been silently apologizing to my beloved husband Kirk on the other wide of the veil.  “I am SO SORRY I called you such a bad word!”  Kirk didn’t “have to be right,” – he most generally JUST WAS RIGHT.  But he was NOT a narcissist and I don’t know if he has received my apologies at the soul level, but I am definitely so very sorry that I would label such a good man with such an ugly word and behavior.

            In this 3-D reality, I don’t want to label anyone with the bad word.  To “protect the guilty,” I am going to remain neutral in writing what needs to be polished for humanity’s sake of identifying and recovering from such a hideous abuse within mankind.

            Describing the victim in a narcissistic relationship, (hopefully not you) is an EMPATH.  An empath (who can also be a people pleaser . . . but not limited to that trait) is someone who is loving, caring, kind, over-giving and always wants to be helpful to make another person’s life easier.  As an empath, we “know how other people feel” and have remarkable gifts to be of service to ease their pain.  We encourage others with compliments, feeding their addiction to us.  They need us, but we don’t need the grief they bring in their baggage.

            Seeing the best in everyone, we ignore the red flags.  In truth, if we ignore them – we will pay for them later.

            Education empowers us.

            As a healer, I listen for hours to other people and their pain.  I’m sure you do, too!  Getting a word in edge-wise is near impossible, so we patiently listen.  Although it’s exhausting, we still continue to listen.  When an opportunity to speak arrives, we notice that our inner knowingness and advice is not heeded, nor even heard.  Body language, alone, confirms it.  (Yes, we have that gift, as well.  We can perceive the spoken AND unspoken languages.)

            Within a narcissist’s cache of sarcasm and gas-lighting that follows an argument or their stone-walling us in silence is soon-to-be-discovered as the confirmations that helps to end the addictive relationship.  You, always being the first to apologize and giving your time, energy, attention, and often-times – money – is going to be in your rearview mirror.

            I am not able, in a four-page monthly column, to write all the information you will need to recover from this relationship.  If guided by God to write an entire book to be of-service, I will be happy to do so.

            But, for today I am just being a little farmer and planting a seed of awareness in readers.  If you find yourself in a relationship with a neighbor, co-worker, partner, or family member and can identify with the small tidbits I’m offering today, I would encourage you to look deeper.  There are innumerable books, I’m sure, on the topic already written by authors who have survived this horrifying experience.  I am sure that on Youtube, you could look no further and get plenty of help to recover.  I also list my home phone number at the end of the article if you just need someone to talk to “who knows how you feel.”

            A narcissist has no desire to be healed – they don’t even see that “they” have a problem.  The problem is you and they will remind you in numerable ways to confirm it.  To snag you, they will wear their mask and profess to be benevolent in countless ways.  They will insure you feel special to them and take every opportunity to touch upon your appearance or talent, or which they most admire.

            You/me . . . being such givers of encouragement like hearing someone applaud appreciation for our kindness.    We like being loved, too.  But soon their lies and dangling carrots or things offered and never given start making us question our sanity. 

            Having been with Kirk – a man of his word, saying what he meant and meaning what he said, always backed by action steps . . . I assumed the same in this experience.  Having one blow-after-another of deceit and disappointment, I re-set my yardstick and said, “I don’t eat carrots any more.”

            From my current standpoint, I know there will never be closure because you are unable to do so with a narcissist.  The only resolution is to walk away and don’t look back, not even into the rearview mirror of who you thought they were before their mask started to slip and fall.

            Along the way in the healing process from this abusive relationship, we might find ourselves saying, “Dammit, dammit, son-of-a-bitch” or thinking, “It’s my own ass fault” for falling for the lies and abuse.  I should have known better.”  To all of that, I can only state that as an Empath/Healer, these gifts were given to me to know where to lay my hands, by feeling what another person is feeling and to watch miracles happen.

            I will walk away a stronger person, Hercules in female form.  A narcissist has strengths, too.  They only choose the best.  The best givers, the most loving, generous, kind empath they can find.  If one found you, it is a validation of who you were meant to be on this planet to help others heal and find their way.

            You already won by discovering the toxic relationship and walking quietly away.  Cause no harm, but take no shit.    And today’s polished turd comes to you from one who knows how you feel and knows what you have been through.

            In truth, it’s no one’s ass fault, it was a learning experience – and now you (and I) have learned.  We have graduated with honors.  You will never win in an argument, except through the silent treatment you have learned from them.  Silence, in the case with a narcissist, is golden.

            As a disclaimer for this column or for me personally – I am not offering you advice of how to handle your life.  I have enough to deal with in living my own . . . I wouldn’t assume I know how to live yours.  But I have planted a wholesome healthy organic seed of awareness for you today for you to plant what you want in your garden to insure a healthy harvest in relationships.

            In every situation in my life, I attempt to handle it in a spiritual manner.  What is the most loving way for me to deal with something?  The answer is for me to just continue being me.  I don’t want to become hardened and stop loving humanity, nor will I.  I will continue to be kind, share, help in whatever way I can . . . even if it is over-giving at times.  I will be gentle, even with a narcissist because until they wake up spiritually, they can’t help being who they are from being hurt on this harsh planet.

            I pray the Global 8 Prayer often:  “Dearest Heavenly Father, I ask you to bless (_____) and forgive them for they know not what they do.  I ask You to kiss them on the forehead (waking them up spiritually) and touch their heart with Your Divine Love (revealing Your spiritual reality and nature.)  In Jesus’ name, I give my thanks.  Amen.”

            As humans, we look to the outer world for our abundance.  We look to others “to give something to us.”  In fact, Jesus pointed the way by saying the Kingdom of Heaven is within.  Everything we need is within . . . waiting to open a way for it to reveal itself in the outer world.

            Narcissism is a form of mental illness and no one in this world is going to effectively fix, change, or save an individual from this (or any of the conflicts we see in our world today.)  The government of our lives is on God’s shoulders and as enlightened individuals, we have to go within and open a way out for His Will and governance of our lives to become realized.  “Go Within or Go Without.”

Just keep being the beautiful you.  Keep being loving.  Keep being kind.  Keep giving.   Just be more conscious of who you are giving to in your personal relationships.

            Until next month, take care . . . I care . . .

Always,

Gloria D. Benish, Ph.D.